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"I LOVE YOU"



All that I am___
PHOEBE
SEVENTEEN going on to EIGHTEEN
30/11/1990
RP - DCID
♥FRIENDSTER
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AC/DC: SPEAK OF LOVE__


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Credits
 X Y Z

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I am so scared.
I have a fear of making new friends now.
What if they don't like me?
What if they wanna smack me with their laptops?
What if they hate me?
What can i do to make them like me?
SIGHS.
There are just so many thoughts running through my head.

9:04 AM





Monday, August 25, 2008

I feel really bad deep inside.
I wanna say sorry but it can never come out of my own lips.
I know I have hurt someone who has treated me as a friend for 12 years.
It is way longer than anybody's love story or whatever toy story, blah...

I just..don't know why I said those things. I could have kept it in me and let it slowly creep away.
I could have just left things the way it should be.
I could have ranted it to a wall and pull through everything.
But no, I couldn't help it.
I couldn't control my emotions.
They overwhelmed me that I find it so hard to breathe.
It chokes me so hard, that I had to pull it off.

Serves me right. But still, I've gotta get my ownself right back on the track before I even deserve these friends out there. They don't deserve a loser like me to be their friend. They dont.
I really wanna change myself. Other than that, we'll put it to later ok?


8:53 AM





Saturday, August 23, 2008

I think what Grace was trying to say about was totally about me last night.
Have faith to understand.

Take up the faith to understand what is going on in MY own world now, my life, everything.
I really wanna try to understand what is going with me right now.
I know you guys think that I am really fucked up whatsoever.
Like " STOP BEING A BITCH! " or "YOUR FRIENDS ARE WAY BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!"

But I don't know why..I just don't understand why everytime I think that my life's fine, everything turns to all gloomy and dark once again. I feel really bad and really ashamed of myself.

I remembered the first time I told Q I wanna smoke. She offered me a cigarette. I felt really excited! Full of emotions raging in me, like - THIS IS WHAT I WANNA DO! THIS IS WHAT I AM GONNA DO!

The next few frequent times when Ragu, Kenny and Q start going out with me to smoke, I start to feel really useless, like when you're smoking, you feel all mighty, in control of your own world. But when you have finished smoking, it is as though " Why did I wanna smoke in the first place? Is that all that I can do in my life? I never used to be this way, what is going on...?"

Nobody knew what I was going through. NO ONE! EXCEPT THESE RP CLASSMATES OF MINE. I guess I do keep secrets really well. But I feel so useless now. I feel like blaming it on everything I have done, like " OH! SMOKING CAUSED ME TO LOSE MY FRIENDS!" ; "PROCRASTINATING MADE ME LOSE MY FRIENDS!"
I really want to do that, but I know it is something I should not do.

I cannot get you guys to forgive me because I cannot even forgive myself, neither can you guys even comprehend what is on my mind, how then...to forgive?

I feel really empty and lost inside. Not because I have lost a friend or whatsoever, but even before I was preparing to lose a friend, I felt emptiness in me.

Have you ever tried stretching a rubber band? The more you stretch it, The more you hope to take it to its limits, It feels the pain and soon it breaks.
I am like a rubber band waiting for its breaking point.
Waiting for a day when I can finally break myself free from what I cannot understand and maybe by then I will be too tired. I will just see myself wasting away.

You guys feel a different pain from what I feel, yet you guys say " Oh I understand, I feel your pain" BULLCRAP! Hold onto your sympathetic words for I do not need your pity, neither do I need your sympathy.
You have not gone through what I've been through, so don't say you understand! It stabs me like a thousand knives into my lingering soul...

7:47 AM





Thursday, August 21, 2008

Gees.. now I am being labelled as a great liar?
Nice.
tsk. I don't wanna bother anymore. It is indeed between Natasha and I anyway. Why do you people even bother? Get a life! Don't you guys have anything better to do?


Well, I have tonnes of things to do so while you continue your stupid blabberings and complains, bitchings of whatsoever, I am just going to continue enjoying my holidays and wait for school to reopen soon (:

Ok, drawing away from the current topic, CELLGROUP WITH E222 TOMORROW! :D
I can't wait for it! Though I kinda have a feeling that I would be erms..kinda lost on my own..
MAYBE JUST A LITTLE. I'll try recalling my way back there.

Tuition at Steven's Road is on tomorrow! MOOLAHS COMING IN! :D
Working on an event on saturday and sunday! MORE MOOLAHS COMING IN!
I am so happy that my life is getting better and better each and every day! (:

Thats all for now!

W45C's outing on Monday -- Wild Wild Wet.. But I really don't know if I should go for it. Sighs..


7:31 AM






I have been having overwhelming responses to why I am not hanging out with Natasha anymore.
Really, I am tired.
No, it isn't a sequel to The Hills, whatsoever anon.
This is for real.
I am tired. Really.

Oh, perhaps you would not remember this. But I remembered clearly when you and cassandra did not hang out for quite a while? You admitted to me that you did ever backstabbed me before. With a reason like " oh, you can't expect me to say that you're OH SO GOOD when cassandra's backstabbing you right?" I took quite a time to accept it though and no, I haven't really backstabbed you before other than the times when I do complain a little when you brushed me off aside.

I really want to try to understand why things would turn out like that, but I guess I will never understand you -- my friend. Though we have been friends for years, 12 years to be exact. I can't seem to understand you at all. Maybe I am not good enough to be your friend.

But for one thing I am clear and sure about. I am not doing this because you're in ITE or whatsoever. It doesn't matter to me. Seriously, If it matters to me, I would not have encouraged you to study for your O levels. I would not have listened to the problems you have in school like your class representative being such an ass and blaa..

I dislike it for it. I know I have indeed said something really bad in the past like I hate ITE students, really, I don't now. I think it has been really childish of me doing that. But yes, I still do hate it for what it has done. But no, I don't hate ITE students anymore. If you think you're comparable to it, let me tell you this -- It got into ITE with an N level Cert. If you think that you're worth comparing with it, carry on. But it is way lower than any one of us can go. In my eyes, you're someone who can really shine if you want to unlike it, a useless piece of crap. Who on Earth would then compare a piece of crap to someone who can outshine him? Gees. It would be ridiculous, isn't it?

I know you have been trying really hard to accept me for what I am too. I know it is tiring. So, yea, you can stop now. Really. I ain't a charity object for you to put your kindness and charitable acts on. I don't want to go on feeling really inferior to who you are.

Honestly, if you ever wondered why I am always boasting about what I am good at, it is always because I feel really inferior to you. This is really deep down from me. I am not avoiding you for what has happened on National Day or whatsover. Maybe yes, I am a little mad about what happened but I have given a really good thought about this.
I really don't want this friendship to carry on, it just makes me feel really tired, always trying to find something that I can be good at and you're not.

Maybe I am just not the right friend for you, just carry on with your life. Really.
I just really hope that people would stop comparing me to you.
I just wanna live my life for who I am. Not someone who's known as Natasha's shadow.

I know, you can think that these are bullshit. Go ahead, I can't stop what you're thinking about.
But this has been really what I wanted to say for a really long time ever since like after O levels.
I just do not know how to put it across to you. Now, I have finally plucked up some courage to tell this to you, and anon, yes. We are indeed better off without each other. (:

2:12 AM





Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Dear Diary,
I am really sick of life. Let's say GAME'S really OVER. Gees. I don't wanna be moving about in circles any longer.
Life isn't a carousle, like seriously.
But somehow we get through certain things that we don't wanna go through
we feel the pinch, the ache.

There it is! VIOLA! The dark alleys of life. You practically do not see anything else except yourself.
It is as though the lights have snuffed out on you.
Nobody's gonna stay by your side.

Everyone has their own views and opinions. I do too. I choose to turn a deaf ear at times. I don't really bother. But at times, it hits me real hard that I hope that I will never am going to be brought back into the past?

I really wanna put the past behind, leave my friends behind. Lead a new life.
Can i?
Can i ever be a new Phoebe? Maybe not.
Why not think up of an alias for me huhs..
Gees.. I don't wanna be Phoebe anymore.
I really don't wanna be.. I am really tired of it. It feels as though I am stuck in a shell. A shell that has not been cleaned and polished for years. In comparation to a dusty, old, ragged doll that a girl leaves behind in her storeroom. I feel really tired.. I AM.
No more about ITs, no more about brainless beauty, no more about your ordinary ruggamuffins on the streets.
I WANNA CHANGE! I really do. Maybe there will be a drastic change to come. I really hope that I can feel happy all over again.


7:18 AM






I don't know why..

I sorta just wanna find out more I guess.

But the things stated here seems really brief which I have already know.


Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

2:24 AM





Sunday, August 17, 2008

GAME'S OVER.
Go hang around your stupid boyfriend.
In reality, I don't miss you at all! :)

1:24 AM





Saturday, August 16, 2008


I'm still skeptical when it comes to LOVE.
Gees, but anyway!
A QUICK UPDATE OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED THESE FEW DAYS! :D

I went to Tekong recently, It was fun and YES! I WANNA GO AGAIN! I wonder if Gerard can invite me to go along with him..=x
HEHES!! :D

I have decided to stay in E222! NOT MOVING ANYMORE! I PROMISE YOU GUYS OK! :D
I'M NOT LEAVING! AND SAMUEL! I'M NO BIMBO!! RAWRS!! smack your head ar!

I've been looking for a job these few days! Any one wanna hire me? Hehe! SIGHS! I've got LOADS and TONNES of bills to settle! :(
DADDYGOD!!! SAVEEEE ME!!! :(

other than that, I am still pondering over whether to go for class chalet or not. I mean, it feels really embarassing to go for it when I did not pay for it. Well, You see, EVERYONE paid for it.. EXCEPT ME! Gees! If I go, I'll be the girl living with the thickest ELEPHANT skin ever! GEES! LIKE UHMS..500KMS THICK! EWWW!! GROSS!

So, I guess I am not going. I don't know but Berlin keeps asking me to go, even Shawn..SIGHS!


Oh Yea, Have been hanging out with my piano, Kenvin and other blahbaroo stuffs. Yea.. It IS kinda boring to be having holidays, and yes! I would definitely prefer the next semester to start soon. Yet, I guess I'll go to school with a rather bad fear in my heart that it is not going to turn out well. I don't know. I'll leave this to DaddyGod. He will help me through my next semester. I cannot imagine moving about school like a lost sparrow again. Gees! I have to make friends all over again. Do you know how bad I am at making friends? GEES! I SUCK AT IT OK!

But looking at the brighter side, At least I saved dramaramamama for the other classes, and I saved serenity and warfare for the other classes too! :) ENJOY RP STUDENTS! For they are coming to your classes REAL SOON! SHOW PREMIERS ON 1ST OF SEPTEMBER! :D

Anyway, Yea. That's about it! HAVE FUN!
ENJOY THIS POEM THAT I HAVE FOR YOU GUYS! :D
I caught the literature flu from Stacey! HEHE!!

Your eyes are as wide as the moon
Your face is as shiny as the pot I use to cook my MAGGI MEE
Your pig trotters entices me
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?

This is definitely just meant to be a joke! Get a life if you only have insults on how poor my literature is! :@

9:15 AM





Friday, August 8, 2008

CLASS OUTING LAST NIGHT! :D
HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY NIGHT!
Daryl treated us to a sixers! hehes!
Jonas flew kite! Ben left half way through!
Bringing Jing Wei, Roderick and Jun Liang with him to watch a TV prank!
HEHS! Murphy, Daryl and I ended up playing UNO!
MWAHAHAHAHAS!
I AM REALLY GOOD IN THIS GAME! :D

After the guys came back, we played DOGVILLE!
Murphy's a dog pound dog!
He has " MY DOG POUND, MY HOME" all over his face!!
Roderick's the TYCO DOG!
Effing lucky can? He keeps gaining territories everywhere and he opened alot of trashcans!
Daryl's the " I WANT TO FIGHT DOG!"
hahas! Keep attacking the other dogs under the influence of Murphy! HAHAHAS!
Junliang's the "SILENT KILLER DOG!"
He was silent throughout the whole game! Hoping that no one will catch him into the dog pound! Hoping none of us will go over and attack him! HAHAHAS!

As for Jing Wei and I.. I don't know.. But i thought that my dog was really bimbotic! T.T!
It's so Paris Hilton like! POODLE! AND IT'S IN PINK! OMG!

After that, it was UGLYDOLL! :D
Murphy said I very aunty! HAHAHAS!
I grabbed the most cards in the first round! HAHA! 13 CARDS! omg!! =x
They say it is all under the influence of shopping too much! RAWRS!
WHAT SNATCH TAO GAY? WTH!!
Next time I shall purposely let them! MWAHAHAHAS!!

Ok! PEEK A PICTURE TIME! :D







PS: OH YEA! JUNLIANG GOT FIRST IN THE NDP PHOTOGRAPHY COMPETITION IN OUR SCHOOL! gees! So cool! I wanna join too! Who's going to watch NDP! CALL ME OK!! I wanna go watch!!! :(

10:10 PM





Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I AM SO HAPPY!!
I AM SO GLAD THAT THERE ARE SCHOLARSHIPS FOR CCC STUDENTS! :D
Its the MICA scholarship!!

I finally can go overseas to study without worries!
I am so gonna work hard towards my dream! I must be a 4 pointer next year and the next next year!
I wanna go to either Brooklyn College or USC!! hehe

I have been planning so much for my future. It is time to work on my plan! I cannot afford to lose my one and only opportunity to go to the States anymore! FAIL TO PLAN, PLAN TO FAIL!

I have finally planned! TIME TO WORK ON IT! :D
GOOD LUCK TO ME!! haha


8:57 PM






OMGGG!
I JUST REALISED THIS!
REXAZ...
errr..ok..nothing to say la!

MAGNUM FORCE..
HOT! OMGGG!!

They are like the hottest cheerleading team among the 5 polytechnics! Rexaz can never beat such a good, strong team mans! ZOMG! They are like flying and tossing everywhere!!

But, if I were to compare Magnum force to uhhh...some cheerleading team in some college in the states, Magnum is just so so.. HAHAS! REALLY! Although they are like madness! But like uhmms..how about USC cheerleaders! Magnum cannot be compared to them laaa!

HAHAHS! BUT ACTUALLY.. how to compare huhs anyways..o.o GEES.. never mind! HAHAHAS!!

CHEERLEADING'S A BIMBOTIC SPORT BUT I LOVE IT! :D
Can I cheerlead too? HAHAS!! Minus the cheering for Singapore team part. GEES! (:

9:36 AM






WRITER'S BLOCK!
HELP NEEDED!

O.O

tell me what you want me to blog about ok? :D

8:25 AM





Sunday, August 3, 2008


I really long to be back in E222.
I feel really foolish. I should NOT have left! I SHOULD HAVE STAYED!
NO MATTER WHAT! I SHOULD HAVE STAYED!
I should not have left.. REALLY!
Now I really feel like crying. Through Grace, I was brought closer to God.
Through Grace, I learnt really alot.
Without her, without E222, I no longer feel myself anymore. I REALLY FEEL VERY LOST! :(
It is as if my spiritual identity has been stolen.

Hopping from church to church I want no more. I feel sick and tired of it. New Creation is my last stop! I don't wanna hop anymore. I am not a bunny! I want to stay in CHC! I WANT TO STAY IN E222! All that I am afraid of now is that they would accept me no longer. :(

Can I really go back to Him?


8:21 PM






Gees.. I realised something when I woke up early this morning! I am glad I have finally realised that as a matter of fact, I should be concentrating on my studies. NOT SOME STUPID DUMBFUCKS. So.. bye idiots! Hello to books! (:

Stop wasting my time. You guys aint worth it. Gees! I shall just concentrate on studying and prepare to go to NY, Brooklyn. Other than that..
GEES! It will be a waste of time.
I just want to meet my goal now, which, is to be a fashion journalist. Other than that, I AM NOT INTERESTED ABOUT IT! So.. gees.. stay away! :D

6:01 PM






GET A LIFE FUCKING LOSER!
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A TOTAL OVERSIZED FAT BITCH! TSK!

Hello, you're calling me proud? GEES! I merely got a B! Like what the hell? I was just curious to find out how much you got. TSK! WHATEVER. People who drop out from polytechnics most probably all do act in a certain cynical manner. GEES!

By the way, Look who IS the one acting all proud first? TSK! Getting an A for enterprise then trying to ask me what's my grade? GEES! YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY LOOK AT THE MIRROR BEFORE CALLING ME PROUD! FAT ASS! SON OF A BITCH! TSK! I am so pissed by all the fats in you! GET A LIFE! Tsk!

You merely just got what you should get! TSK! gees!
BY THE WAY, IF YOU DO NOT COMPREHEND WHAT I MEAN, DON'T EFFING ACT SMARTER THAN ME, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T? HELLO! LOOK WHO'S TALKING! A DROPOUT FROM POLYTECHNIC! TSK! You merely just got what you deserved FAT ASS!
For the third time, you seriously need to get a life! HAHS!
By the way, I EFFING WORSHIP THE SAME GOD AS YOU! I DID NOT EFFING INSULTED YOUR GOD WHICH IS BY THE WAY ALSO MY GOD! I INSULTED YOU FAT ASS! Maybe you're too dumb to even comprehend! gees!

DUMBFUCK! Tsk! You're acting like a 7 year old kid who does not know a single thing and yet shouting at me " YOU CAN INSULT ME! BUT NOT INSULT MY GOD!" HAHA! HOW HILARIOUS! GEES! If I insulted your GOD! (DUMBFUCK!) I would not have said " GO GET YOUR GOD TO HELP YOU! Was it insulting enough? gees! HAHS! Since you always say that OH! GOD HELPED TO GET GOOD GRADES! So why not ask HIM to help you SEE your grades?

Maybe you're just too dumb to comprehend what I said. JUST FUCKING DIG A HOLE AND HIDE YOURSELF IN! HA HA HA! FAT ASS! tsk! Perhaps, your brains do not contain much other than " I LOVE YOU!" WHAT A FUCKING MANWHORE! tsk!

TSK! I do pity you for the emptiness in your brain. Really, just go face your books and spend a few more years with Education before even trying to say that I INSULTED MY OWN GOD! FUCKTARD! tsk! Acting all holy " OH! MUMMY!! SOMEONE INSULTED MY GOD! BOOHOOS!"

8:29 AM





Friday, August 1, 2008


Scars..External scars can be removed by exfoliating, removing the dead cells from our skin. After a short while, the scar disappears. The pain you felt for that certain moment disappears with it too. It is as if all pain has gone and you feel all happy all over again.

How about the scars that we have in us? Can they ever be removed? Can there ever be a time when you do not have to feel pain any longer?

There was this guy; he had a really tanned skin, really sincere eyes. He looked like a miracle maker, Some One who turns all your hopes and dreams into reality. He told me “Buy this bottle of cream! Let me demonstrate it to you! Every day after you bathe, use it once, your scars will be gone after a week.

In a society like this, people tend to do things to satisfy peoples’ needs. They somehow always try to make life look a lot better than it seems. Yet, deep down in our hearts, we know it isn’t really like that. We go through pain and sufferings silently. Not making a sound/ uttering a word, the people around us think that life seems really simple and easy for us. We look really happy every day and that is all that matters to them. It is as if, I do not show my anger, my pain, you do not care. It does not bother or matter to you anyway.

Can I ever not have to feel THAT pain in me? Gees…I know I’m being a real bitch here. I know I am acting as if I am the only one who is feeling the pain and it is as if the Earth revolves around me. I know you guys out there would be going “Get a life! You ain’t the only one who feels hurt, how about those who feel hurt because they have lost their loved ones?” I know I am acting all selfish and blah. But I feel really miserable on the inside. Can anyone ever hear my cry? …


3:54 AM