I think what Grace was trying to say about was totally about me last night.
Have faith to understand.

Take up the faith to understand what is going on in MY own world now, my life, everything.
I really wanna try to understand what is going with me right now.
I know you guys think that I am really fucked up whatsoever.
Like " STOP BEING A BITCH! " or "YOUR FRIENDS ARE WAY BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!"

But I don't know why..I just don't understand why everytime I think that my life's fine, everything turns to all gloomy and dark once again. I feel really bad and really ashamed of myself.

I remembered the first time I told Q I wanna smoke. She offered me a cigarette. I felt really excited! Full of emotions raging in me, like - THIS IS WHAT I WANNA DO! THIS IS WHAT I AM GONNA DO!

The next few frequent times when Ragu, Kenny and Q start going out with me to smoke, I start to feel really useless, like when you're smoking, you feel all mighty, in control of your own world. But when you have finished smoking, it is as though " Why did I wanna smoke in the first place? Is that all that I can do in my life? I never used to be this way, what is going on...?"

Nobody knew what I was going through. NO ONE! EXCEPT THESE RP CLASSMATES OF MINE. I guess I do keep secrets really well. But I feel so useless now. I feel like blaming it on everything I have done, like " OH! SMOKING CAUSED ME TO LOSE MY FRIENDS!" ; "PROCRASTINATING MADE ME LOSE MY FRIENDS!"
I really want to do that, but I know it is something I should not do.

I cannot get you guys to forgive me because I cannot even forgive myself, neither can you guys even comprehend what is on my mind, how then...to forgive?

I feel really empty and lost inside. Not because I have lost a friend or whatsoever, but even before I was preparing to lose a friend, I felt emptiness in me.

Have you ever tried stretching a rubber band? The more you stretch it, The more you hope to take it to its limits, It feels the pain and soon it breaks.
I am like a rubber band waiting for its breaking point.
Waiting for a day when I can finally break myself free from what I cannot understand and maybe by then I will be too tired. I will just see myself wasting away.

You guys feel a different pain from what I feel, yet you guys say " Oh I understand, I feel your pain" BULLCRAP! Hold onto your sympathetic words for I do not need your pity, neither do I need your sympathy.
You have not gone through what I've been through, so don't say you understand! It stabs me like a thousand knives into my lingering soul...